please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Randomize
