I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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