I think i sorta joined a cult last night
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Randomize
