My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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