Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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