dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
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