Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Randomize
