Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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