They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
