I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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