Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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