plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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