Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
And then he peed in my hair
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