Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
