I haven't been this sober since birth.
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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