Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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