Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
