My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
Randomize
