so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Randomize
