i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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