how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking ros�, bitch!
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
