If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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