Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
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