you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
