Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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