I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Randomize
