when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
This couple is walking their pig around campus
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Randomize
