My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Where did you get a picture of my penis
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Randomize
