Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
