Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Randomize