I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
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