Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Randomize
