the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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