Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Ladies don't puke and tell
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
