One girl and one boy is just not enough.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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