Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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