I sk at the spereo and my dad gave me and all access pass
what???
AN ALL ACCESS PASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Randomize
