I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
