my mouth tastes like poor choices
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
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