i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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