Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Randomize
