I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Randomize
