There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Randomize
