i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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