I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
