I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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