just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Randomize
