Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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