so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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