i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
can u get pink eye on your cock?
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
