every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Randomize
