apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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